Pura Vida – Dad Gets Married

June brought more traveling. After getting back from our month in Mexico, Karawynn and I were in Seattle for only three weeks before we lit out again for regions southward. It was great to see my brother and sister and their families under happy circumstances. The previous time we’d all seen each other was when Mom died — a very sad and difficult period.

Mission Possible

Mission Espada
Mission Espada

The wedding took place at the picturesque Mission Espada in San Antonio. What a great location to celebrate a new union! Dad and Carolyn both had previous marriages with wonderful spouses who’d died. They are re-starting their lives. Carolyn is much different from my mom, but she is a good soul, and I am overjoyed that she and Dad found love together. I can barely imagine what losing a life-partner is like — a traumatic and painful experience that leads to a scary and lonely and desolate place. That Dad has another chance to love and be loved is a precious, rare, and wonderful gift.

Joseph (Dad) and Carolyn
Carolyn and Dad

I no longer consider myself Catholic — or religious in any way really — but I was happy to get the opportunity to read at the (traditional Catholic) wedding. Participating in the ceremonial launch of a new stage in my dad’s life meant a lot. These days it is so easy to be cynical about love and commitment, but seeing the happiness that Carolyn has brought into Dad’s life after the heartbreaking anguish of the previous few years strips away any cynicism I have and replaces it with wonder and joy.

Honeymoon Crashers

Carolyn and Dad were generous (or insane) when they decided to invite their whole combined family to accompany them to Costa Rica after the wedding. Karawynn and I joined the twelve others traveling to the Guanacaste region of the Central American country.

Costa Rica abolished its military years ago and has used the extra money to improve education and healthcare — as well as to invest in creating a profitable tourist industry. Tourism is Costa Rica’s primary economic engine. I have a lot of respect for a country that builds an economy around trying to educate the world about ecology and nature. Can you even imagine your country doing that?

Flamingo Resort Hotel, Costa Rica
Flamingo Resort Hotel, Costa Rica

The first part of our stay was at the Flamingo Beach Resort on Playa Flamingo in the northwestern (Pacific) part of Costa Rica. This was a typical, if smallish, resort hotel with a nice pool in a picturesque location. Like resorts I’ve visited in Mexico and Hawaii, much of the hotel was open to the outside. But the heat and humidity made just standing around in the lobby feel like taking a sauna. Thankfully the rooms had air conditioning, and the pool was cool.

One of the drawbacks of staying at a resort hotel is that everything is outrageously expensive. We had not been able to afford the all-inclusive package so drinks and food were additional expenses. But the nearest town was a couple kilometers away and none of us had a car. So a few of us decided to risk the impending rain and walk to the nearest grocery store. This decision turned out to be both ill-advised and serendipitously wonderful.

The road traveled along the curve of a beautiful bay, between the beach and fields where (literally) hundreds of bright green parakeets flitted amongst the low trees and bushes. And huge vultures perched on fence posts and stretched out their wings to dry them in the intermittent sun. But just as we’re about half way there, it started to pour down rain. By sheer luck, we’d just passed a local cantina / bar with outdoor tables made from polished slabs of banyan tree. The tables were sheltered from the rain by thatched reed umbrellas. Since the rain had drenched us to the bone in seconds, we decided to stop and wait… and spent the next hour drinking local beer and staring out at the rain-stippled bay. What a great experience!

Not-so Accidental Tourists

Jak on a Canopy Zipline
Me, ziplining through the treetops

The next day, all fourteen of our group took a canopy tour — a multi-part excursion to Buena Vista that included ziplining through treetops, horseback riding, a local-food lunch, a very fast water slide, and geothermal pools with sauna and mudbath.

While this is billed as eco-toursim, it really is not. It’s a lot of fun, and definitely worth the $125 per person, but it’s really all about fun and not about nature or experiencing the rainforest. For us, that would come later.

The following morning we said goodbye to Dad, Carolyn, and the rest of the family both old and new. We had made plans to spend the last half of our time in Costa Rica in a completely different environment… all the way across the country on the Caribbean coast, and in my next post I will tell you all about traveling there, and our time in the jungle.

Remembering Mom

Quality Time

One year ago today, my mother died after a long battle with ovarian cancer. She had dodged breast cancer bullets a couple of times … well, not really dodged so much as taken them in the chest. But this time the bullet was a shotgun shell to her abdomen full of twelve gauge tumor pellets. Her doctors performed surgery, but with so many tiny tumors the odds of getting all the cancer weren’t good.

After surgery, the chemotherapy made Mom’s life a waking nightmare of nausea and weakness and pain. This was her fourth round of chemo, and since it wasn’t working all that well — not buying her much time — she made the conscious choice to stop treatment.

Mom

We all knew that this decision meant her time was short, but we hoped that her quality of life would be higher during what remained. And she did have a few relatively ‘normal’ months before the deterioration overtook her.

I was not prepared for how heartbreaking it would be to see the shell of someone who had once been so vibrant and full of energy. But even so, I am grateful that I and the kids got the chance to see her several times at the end of her life, and to say goodbye.

Most healthy young people conceive of life as being constant until it ends abruptly. And sometimes it does, but sometimes a life withers away, and the older I get, the more I start thinking of how long I’ll be healthy enough to do the things I love.

I’ve started thinking of life in terms of quality time left, of how long I can stave off attrition. How long will I be able to play soccer? How many more times will I be able to go hiking with my kids? When will I lose my mental sharpness and become unable to write?

How much is three months of quality life worth? Or one month, or even a week?

I fully believe that Mom made the right decision. One year of vomiting isn’t better than three months of peace, but damn do I wish she’d had better choices.

Being Brave

Back in March of last year, Karawynn and the girls and I traveled to Yachats on the Oregon coast for Mom’s memorial service and the interment of her ashes. Even now, nearly a year later, I find it difficult to write about. I haven’t lost many people close to me, and I’m not sure I coped very well. But then again, does anyone?

Continue reading “Remembering Mom”

Ghosts of Christmas

In 2011, we made a conscious decision to have a frugal Christmas. This resulted in some unexpected benefits, and also unearthed some deep-seated emotions.

Christmas past

When I was growing up, Christmas was a big deal. It was an exciting and happy time for my siblings and myself. As a kid, I loved seeing the tree on Christmas morning with all the wrapped presents reflecting the tree lights. I liked making guesses about who they were for and what might be inside. I liked opening presents, and would be lying if I didn’t confess to being hyped about getting something awesome.

Christmas 2002 - Piles of Presents!
Christmas 2002: Piles of presents!

Our family exchanged gifts on a large scale — presents were both expensive and numerous. I’m not really sure why; our family wasn’t that well-off. My dad was a graduate student, then a post-doctoral researcher, then a rookie college professor. My mom had to work various service jobs to help support the family of five. We were lower-middle-class, I’d say.

My parents spent a lot of money, a lot of time, and a huge amount of effort on the celebration of Christmas. There was a fair amount of socializing (parties and dropping in on friends, or having them over), we went to midnight Mass, and had a big meal on Christmas day. But the main focus was on opening presents on Christmas morning. Continue reading “Ghosts of Christmas”