I remember being quite shy as a kid. I never had the sort of self-confidence that allowed me to be myself with my peers. Perhaps it was because I moved every five years so I felt like the new kid a good deal of the time, or perhaps it was just because I was reserved and geeky looking. I got my first glasses in first grade — the black nylon-framed kind.
My family moved to Madison, Wisconsin in the middle of my third grade year, and I started at a new school after the Christmas break. I tried to make friends, but had only marginal success. I was picked on mercilessly by several other boys in my grade, and routinely beaten up at lunch and recess, until the end of fifth grade. Needless to say I was happy to move on to a new school.
In retrospect, I think my problem was that I was so eager to please others that I was regarded as weak — an easy target for teasing and rough fighting. I was the injured zebra to be culled by the hunting lions.
Middle school was a bit better, but still not fun. I remember there being a couple of boys that I could count as friends. Luckily, while I had trouble building friendships, my family was stable. My parents argued some, but it was rarely serious. They made it clear that they loved me, and I never doubted that.
When we moved, yet again, and I started high school in San Marcos, Texas, I made the conscious decision that I would not let myself be picked on. I planned to have something of a social life and I made an effort to build and maintain my friendships. Surprisingly, it worked! There are several people from my high school years whom I still consider friends today even though we've been in touch only intermittently.
Since high school I have had a lot of close friends, some wonderful lovers and two incredibly deep long-term partnerships. I am still close with my parents and my siblings, and I have a great relationship with my two daughters, Michaela and Claire.
I know myself far better now than I did then. I know that my sense of self is very caught up in others, especially those who are profoundly important to me. In large part, my deep relationships define who I am. Taken this way, I can say for a fact that I am a sweetie, a father, and a friend. I am an ex, a brother, and a son.
There's more, but you'll have to dig a little deeper to find out what.